Attempt to fix informational inconsistency

24 May, 2024

2 min read

Last updated on 24 May, 2024

WARNING: nothing technical there... again.

This is a response on my own blog post which I wrote 2 years ago when I just arrived to Germany.

I remember myself back then: I was looking forward to work in a new place. I was thinking that if they (my new employer & my new colleagues) have already made decision to take me on board, means they like me by default and I can be in a "rainbow pony" mode. I thought I can expect acceptance just because I have passed the gates. Reality check proved different.

My sense of self-worth was shuttered. In the first 3 month I started to realise I can't do anything on my new work.

I didn't understand why because I have never experienced such problems previously. Every engineering work I've been doing – was at least fine. This time it was entirely different and I didn't understand. I wanted to quit every day. I hoped I'd find a way to escape somehow.

Why it has happened? I couldn't connect the dots. I've already worked with foreigners. I came from a work when I felt that my contributions were significantly impacting the product I was working on, to a place, where I felt every day that no matter what I do – it doesn't mean anything. And nobody cares.

Maybe it would be alright if it was just "nobody cares". I started to receive some comments and puns about me, my state, my work. Maybe "nobody cares" is not so bad.

I thoughts that maybe if I show, if I explain – others will see that I'm good and worth and stop doing what they do.

But nobody listened because what I was saying didn't matter. And nobody paid attention to what I do.

My "english release" post was a naive way to appeal.

I won't remove this post because I want to preserve my writings and my change, even if it brings distortion and inconsistency in information spreading. Now I think that it's better not to write or post anything to the internet – people start thinking about you based on your blog posts. This is an oversimplification. The human brain is very good at it.

However, I want to post some updates because distortion become too significant and it started to shape my environment in destructive way.

I don't compete with anyone for anything.

I prioritise consensus.

I don't want to be better human anymore, I accept my decency.

I don't need visibility, recognition and praises. I am capable of doing work without all of that. I don't need people to know what work I'm doing. It's not secret, I don't hide it. I just don't want to spend time showing it. Those who need to know about my work - know everything they need.

I consider myself humanist.

I learn things that way:

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Let's see if we can become internet friends.

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Troy Köhler